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Courage to embrace anger

What is courage? It derives from the Latin word cor or from French coeur, meaning “heart”. Rollo May, in his book The Courage to Create, eloquently illustrates that just as our physical heart, by pumping blood, is central to all other organs for functioning, so courage underlies all other virtues and values:

“Without courage our love pales into mere dependency. Without courage our fidelity becomes conformism”.

We need courage to actualise our values of truth, moral integrity, justice, freedom, connection, etc. Anger is the middleman alerting us anytime our values are violated, and it also drives us to take action. For all these decisions, we need courage. Because courage doesn’t mean we stop being afraid, it means we act despite our fear.

First, we need courage to expose our anger in front of ourselves, to find out the reasons that might even surprise us, to confront our anxiety and unease. We need courage to admit that under our anger, we might feel hurt, disappointed, scared, or rejected. Second, we need courage with others, out in the world, to reveal our wants, to dare to say NO, to disagree, challenge, fight for our rights, protect others, or pursue higher ideas. Why do we want to present ourselves to the world as these forever benevolent, noble, virtuous, altruistic creatures? That’s not who we can be for 24/7, can’t we? Can we also acknowledge our shadow, fallible, and violent parts too? Why pretend, play games, put on a façade, and fake masks? It takes courage to be genuine and transparent, especially when it’s uncomfortable or even painful, but it’s truthful.

Self-dialogue and self-awareness

Understanding and embracing our anger is also part of developing and improving our emotional intelligence. I remember reading in my early 20s with a child-like enthusiasm Daniel Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence and discovering that EQ is more important than IQ (which is, by the way, an outdated and limited concept anyway). And thinking to myself: of course, this makes complete sense!

Coming back to the example with the knife, we need to learn some skills in using it adequately, eloquently, and be considerate, so that we don’t hurt ourselves and others, especially when it’s massive and sharp, like our rage could be. With becoming more competent in handling the knife, we are not paralysed by its power, but we respect it and use it wisely. We can tame the beast inside us for our own benefit, rather than destruction. We can choose to be more responsive rather than reactive in the face of anger, more constructive, and Adult-like. We wouldn’t use the knife (anger) to abuse our children, nor should we punish them if they accidentally hurt themselves with it.  

An honest and compassionate approach in addressing our anger could be an example of this type of internal dialogue:

“OMG, yes, bloody hell, I’m swimming in this cocktail of unbearable feelings, I’m so furious now! I can feel the fire inflaming my whole body. I hate this world! ….But I’m sure there must be reasons for that. I know it doesn’t make me a bad human; actually, it makes me a real human. And yes, I prefer not to act out nor become overpowered by my rage, maybe I can go for a run first or listen to some wild music to release it from my body. In the meantime, I need to unpack, process these potent signals that my body is calling for. I need to pay attention to them, inquire what’s going on underneath, and look after my needs. Maybe I’ll talk to someone who knows me well and whom I trust. I must take action to tackle my anger. I can’t just ignore it”.

It wouldn’t be very wise to go around and pour our anger into others without filters, like Tony, the character in Ricky Gervais’ TV Show After Life. It’s a funny parody. I think the most important aspect is to admit it to ourselves, realise it, and become curious:

“I am so angry! What makes me irritated? What do I want to do about it? How do I want to process it? Can I take any action to meet my needs or assert myself? How do I want to utilise or channel this energy within me? If I’m angry with a specific person, do I think it’s a good idea in this context to go and share it with them? Or maybe it’s my boss, and I don’t want to risk my work relationship? Do I feel safe and comfortable enough to express my anger to my partner, parents, child, best friend, or do I try to “protect” them from my daimonic energy, because I’m afraid of any potential conflicts? If they were angry with me, would I be comfortable hearing them out? How do I want to channel/transform my anger into motion to meet my needs, give a voice, take an action, make a difference, or accept the reality?”

The impact is bi-directional: those who learn to be comfortable with their own anger will also have more tolerance and openness towards other people’s frustration; they will be able to sit with conflicts and embrace confrontations.

Public discussion

Most of my reflections in this essay were focused on the internal process of making sense of anger. I think the next step would be to have open public discussions about anger. How about we all sit together, ideally in smaller groups, and have honest, respectful, and civilised conversations about it? In a setting where we would feel safe enough to list all the reasons that make us furious. This could be cathartic to finally feel heard, understood, justified, and validated. We could try these types of sharing in our schools, families, workplaces, prisons, and globally. Ironically, expressing a healthy anger could bring peace in this world. Because as more open conversations we have on anger in our intimate relationships and in public, as fewer people will act out on it.

Whether anger is a way of protecting our dignity and boundaries, whether it is a response to a limitation or injustice, or a signal to our unmet needs, one thing is sure: it’s a gateway to our empowerment, creativity, evolution, justice, and truth. We shall thank our anger for being our loyal ally and gracefully embrace its powerful force.

“To learn to creatively live with the daimonic or be violently devoured by it. We will decide our own destiny. Let us choose wisely.”

(Stephen A. Diamond)